Forgiveness in a marriage
No one wants to think their marriage will fail. Without forgiveness in a marriage, or a family, it is impossible to repair or maintain a relationship after that relationship has been damaged by hurtful actions by another person. Forgiveness is not optional, it is mandatory. Forgiveness is an act that joins moral truth, forbearance, compassion, and commitment to repair torn human relationships by releasing anger, fear, and the desire for revenge.
What is forgiveness?
“Forgiveness is an act that joins moral truth, forbearance, compassion, and commitment to repair torn human relationships by releasing anger, fear, and the desire for revenge. It requires a truthful examination and turning from the past that neither ignores past wrongs nor excuses them, that neither overlooks justice nor reduces justice to revenge, which insists on the humanity of opponents even in their commission of dehumanizing deeds, and that values justice that restores above justice that destroys.” (Erbe, 2006). Forgiveness requires that the act and the damage it caused are confronted in specific deliberate ways. In other words, forgiveness is the “reestablishment of a moral relationship between enemies, or between victims. (Enright, 2001).
Forgiveness is to let go, leave alone, and to keep something no longer. Without forgiveness in a marriage, or a family, it is impossible to repair or maintain a relationship after that relationship has been damaged by hurtful actions by another person.
When two people come together in a marriage relationship there is going to be problems from just the blending of two people joining together. There is baggage that comes from being raised in your own family and the journey you have taken in life. This baggage needs to be sorted and gone through in order to make room for another relationship and the baggage it brings.
It is important to state that marriages are held together by forgiveness on a daily basis. Forgiveness on the part of both partners and for a variety of reasons some big and some small. Forgiveness is not optional, it is mandatory. Jesus gives a clear message on forgiveness. As Christians we have no choice except to forgive. Matthew 6:14-15 “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15 KJV). This means that forgiveness is not an option it is expected that we forgive just like we are forgiven by our Heavenly Father.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant answers the question as to how many times do we forgive someone. The Jewish Rabbi teaches that it is 3 times. Jesus instructs us to forgive 70 times 7 which equals 490 times. This means our life style and our attitudes should be toward forgiveness. This is the difference between the worldly and those who follow the ways of Jesus Christ. The unforgiving Servants owed money to the king and the king thought about everything and then took pity and forgave his debt. Then the unforgiving servants ran into the friend who owed him money and made the man pay but because he could not pay were thrown into prison. When the king found out about it the unforgiving servant was thrown into prison. So how could we not forgive after Jesus paid the ultimate price for sin? (Matthew 18: 21-35 KJV).
Reconciliation is not mandatory only forgiveness is mandatory. Reconciliation is exchange for equivalent values. It is changing. To reconcile is to restore the relationship, bringing the victim and offender back to pre-conflict equilibrium. Where forgiving is the act of an individual and only requires one person, reconciliation requires the active cooperation of the other people in and affected by the damaged relationship. Where forgiveness is a solitary action, reconciliation cannot occur in solitude. When there are hurt feelings from a couple it is not unusual for the tongue to lash out to hurt back. Ephesians 4: 29- 32 tells us; “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor (outcry), and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4: 29- 32 KJV).
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation. Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.” (2 Corinthians 5:17-21 KJV)
It is by the death of the Lord Jesus on the cross that the LORD God repealed the distance which sin was brought in between Himself and man. He did this through grace so all things might, through Christ, be presented agreeably to Himself. Believers are already reconciled, through the death of Christ, to be presented holy, un-blame able, and un-reprove able (a new creation). The LORD God was in Christ, when Christ was on earth, and reconciled the world unto Himself, not imputing unto them their trespasses; but now that the love of God has been fully revealed in the cross, the testimony has gone out worldwide, beseeching men to be reconciled to God.
When a person gives forgiveness, they are lifting those burdens that accompany the pain that someone has done to them. There can be no wholeness or healing without forgiveness. Do not get confused forgiveness never means condoning a wrong. A wrong cannot be made into something right. Scripture requires forgiveness, but reconciliation is an option. Whatever the hurt in the relationship then reconciliation is an option forgiveness is a must. The hardening of the heart is what is going to determine if there can be any reconciliation to take place. It requires both people must come to the table with a soft heart in order for reconciliation to take place. There must be an honest healing and the heart must be softened if there is no soft heart there is no genuine reconciliation. Reconciliation and forgiveness are separate. There is nothing that can happen in a marriage that is beyond forgiveness.
So why is it so important to give forgiveness to those who hurt you? When a spouse or family member hurts you it is like a sore that begins to fester. This festering sore begins to make you bitter and it disturbs the peace and serenity in your life and in your soul. This festering sore takes over your whole being and then the anger, resentment and revenge takes over your life and soul. When anger is allowed to govern your relationship then the hurt feelings and resentments creep into your soul. When that anger and resentment sneaks into your life then other relationships with family, friends or even coworkers can also feel the negative effect of your pain. This anger can then ripple throughout their lives as well and either chase them away from you or bring them down in their relationships.
Forgiveness can calm that angry turbulence it also can reduce that need to lash out at others with anger and can keep families together maintain the harmony in other relationships you have made. Resentment, anger and hostility can affect your physical health. Forgiveness can improve your physical health, mental health, and you then can become a more productive advocate for the LORD.
We all expect relationships to produce fulfilling expectations. When this does not happen and instead of being fulfilled you begin to feel betrayed and the resentment, anger and hostility overtakes you. Any relationship can produce betrayal by a trusted person, there can be infidelity in romantic relationship, there can be mistreatment or dishonesty by those you feel you should trust, and then there is the never ending rejection by those we love. All these have to be dealt with and a way to forgive must be found before you become to embittered, angry, restful and hostile to function in a loving way toward those around you who really needs your love, support and understanding.
Forgiveness consists in two parts; granting forgiveness to people who have hurt you, and seeking forgiveness for the things you have done to others. (McCullough, 1997). It is harder to see what damage you have caused than it is to see the damage someone else has done to you. It is hard for us to think there is something we might have to do to change ourselves.
Forgiveness requires that we develop a forgiving character. This takes hard work and a new kind of reasoning about forgiveness. You have to look at the way you are thinking and reasoning and illuminate any “faulty thinking.” Faulty thinking is the belief about what happens on the outside of you and causes you to react emotionally in a wrong way. Externalizing the blame and placing responsibility for our actions on someone or something else. Not accepting partial blame for anything. An example of this is when someone you love hurts you and you immediately put walls up and tell yourself lives. These lies get blown up and cause us to produce emotional garbage. This emotional garbage them becomes an external trap that begins to control you. Every time you think of what happen and how you were mistreated or hurt you react in an angry way. It isn’t the reality but the faulty thinking that takes place and now controls you.
Pick one, and only one, of the times you have been hurt by your spouse or someone you love and are finding a difficult time forgiving. Write down what actually happened then with new eyes consider the balance of what you have written down. Look at your example through honest eyes. If the scales were reversed and it was you who did the hurting how would you react? What role did you have in this hurt? Under the circumstances is your reaction reasonable?
Robert Enright, Ph.D. who is a professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison is a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness. His six stages of forgiveness are:
Stage 1: Revengeful forgiveness: at this stage forgiveness is possible only if the offender is punished at least to the degree of pain or damage the offense has caused.
Stage 2: Restitution forgiveness: Here forgiveness can occur out of guilt for holding a grudge or the offender offers restitution.
These two stages require the canceling of the debt or punishment before forgiveness can begin.
Stage 3: Expectation forgiveness: Forgiveness is offered in response to social pressure.
Stage 4: Lawful expectation forgiveness: forgiveness is offered in response to social, moral or religious pressure.
These next two stages, 3 and 4 are made in response to pleasing someone else. This is not really forgiveness and has the potential to causing more resentment and more bitter anger. The forgiveness does not come from within it comes out of obligation and the offender still is required to make amends. These two stages are an incomplete form of forgiveness.
Stage 5: Forgiveness as social harmony: Forgiveness is granted to restore social harmony and right relationships. This stage gives hope that there can be change when forgiveness is granted.
Stage 6: Forgiveness as love: Forgiveness is unconditionally offered because it promotes love and increases the likelihood of reconciliation. This is complete forgiveness. If the forgiveness is offered without regard to prior conditions being met or consequences forgiveness may occur. Forgiveness is unconditional. (McCullough, 1997).
The whole goal for forgiveness is to restore a relationship to good will and trust with that person who has hurt you. When there is forgiveness there is no longer the motivated desire to protect ourselves. There is a motivation to heal that relationship. Forgiveness gives the desire to think good thoughts about our spouse, have a positive rather than negative remembrance of the spouse. There is motivation to restore the relationship to a stronger partnership than before. Forgiveness gives hope to a relationship of trust and goodwill in the hope that there may be healing of the relationship.
Reference:
Erbe, Nancy D. (2006). Developing Reasoned Frameworks for International Choice with Criminal Procedure, Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution, 2006.
Enright, Robert D. (2001). Forgiveness is a Choice (Washington: APA LifeTools, 2001), 26-30.
McCullough, Michael E., Sandage, Steven J., & Worthington, Everett L., Jr. (1997). To Forgive Is Human: How to Put Your Past in the Past. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
Strong, James. (2001). The New Strong’s Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Cite Article Source
MLA Style Citation:
Holstein, Joanne. “Forgiveness in a marriage” Becker Bible Studies Library March 2022. https://guidedbiblestudies.com/?p =4266. Retrieved [dateMLA].
APA Style Citation:
Holstein, Joanne. (2022). “Forgiveness in a marriage. “Becker Bible Studies Library. Retrieved from https://guidedbiblestudies.com/?p =4266. Retrieved: [dateAPA].
Chicago Style Citation:
Holstein, Joanne. (2022) “Forgiveness in a marriage.” Becker Bible Studies Library (June), https://guidedbiblestudies.com/? =4266. (accessed [dateChi]).
About the Author
Joanne B. Holstein is a Becker Bible Studies teacher and author of Guided Bible Studies for Hungry Christians. She has received her Master of Science degree in Psychology/Christian Counseling with honors from Liberty University. She is well-known as a counselor to Christian faithful who are struggling with tremendous burden in these difficult times. She is a leading authority on the history of development of the Christian churches and the practices and beliefs of world religions and cults.
